How to Have a Difficult Conversation
Are you afraid to speak to your manager, a friend or family member? You know you have to face the music. Learn here what is stopping you! How you can feel the fear and have that conversation today.
As humans a difficult conversation is the most obvious and natural thing to avoid. Not unless you are a natural disruptor and enjoy a juicy confrontation. If you are, you won’t be reading this article. This is for the people pleasers amongst us, the peacemakers who would do anything to keep calm and avoid conflict. Hands up here!
This month has sparked this theme, not only for my clients but for myself also. Teams and groups I recently worked with, highlighted this in their feedback. They requested support. It’s easy to have some blind bias too in this regards but the most striking one was a manager who was afraid to speak to their staff on a topic. So it is not always conversations with those more senior than us in either age or position. It is down to the unique relationship we have with the other. All the unsaid, all the unwritten rules of our relationship are entangled into our every day situations with them. Sometimes we can’t even explain what we are afraid of. Just our bodies know there is something to be feared. My favourite acronym for F.E.A.R is False Evidence Appearing as Real.
When it comes to a standard difficult conversation there is definitely lots of false evidence appearing. Let’s break it down to help you.
Why do people avoid difficult conversations?
Here are my most obvious reasons, perhaps you have others? Be sure to comment below.
Fear of confrontation: Many people fear conflict or confrontation and may avoid difficult conversations to prevent discomfort or tension. Past experiences can be a trigger here. That time you tried before and you ended up in a worse place is still held in your body and mind.
Desire to maintain harmony: People often prioritise maintaining harmony or avoiding conflict within relationships or teams, leading them to avoid conversations that could potentially disrupt that harmony. The people pleasers and peacemakers among us will fly this flag over conflict.
Lack of communication skills: Some individuals may lack the necessary communication skills to navigate difficult conversations effectively, leading them to avoid such discussions altogether.
Uncertainty about outcomes: People may avoid difficult conversations because they are uncertain about the potential outcomes or repercussions. They fear negative consequences such as rejection or backlash. Holding a light intention for what you want to come of the conversation and preparing in advance can soothe the nervous system in advance.
Avoidance of discomfort: Difficult conversations can be emotionally challenging and uncomfortable. This leads us to procrastinate or avoid addressing the issue altogether. As humans we would rather avoid pain than walk towards it. We will ensure we take very creative steps to avoid feeling pain.
With so much to avoid why would you bother at all? Sure I can just keep sailing through the fog, and hope it will eventually get sorted or time will change it all? No?
Well to break it down here are some unique reasons why it’s worth the effort:
Resolution of Issues: Having the conversation provides an opportunity to address the issue directly and work towards a resolution.
Clarity and Understanding: These conversations allow you to express your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives openly along with theirs. This can lead to a better understanding of each other's viewpoints and motivations, which is crucial for finding common ground or compromise.
Building Trust: Avoiding difficult conversations can diminish trust over time. When people know they can talk openly on challenging topics with each other, it builds trust and strengthens relationships. Equally, avoiding these conversations can lead to resentment and a breakdown of trust.
Personal Growth: Engaging in difficult conversations requires courage and emotional intelligence. It provides an opportunity for personal growth and development by working on your communication skills, empathy, and conflict resolution abilities.
Prevention of Future Issues: By tackling these issues head-on, you can often nip potential problems in the bud before they become more significant.
Enhanced Collaboration: In professional settings, difficult conversations are often necessary for effective teamwork and collaboration. Addressing conflicts or differences early on can lead to better teamwork, increased productivity, and a healthier work environment. In addition to Trust as mentioned above and I’ll add in respect also. Over time both parties have greater respect & integrity to go through something challenging together.
So come on Norma, let’s cut to to the chase, how do I go about it:
My wish is that these will lead to improved relationships and outcomes.
My top tips you should consider before having a difficult conversation:
Don't avoid it, the elephant in the room. Acknowledging what is happening. Doing this sooner rather than later can avoid it becoming bigger than it needs to be.
Have you wrong-sized the other person and yourself? Have you or the system you are both in, made them too big and you too small? How can you ‘right-size’ yourself in advance of the conversation? Remember their human qualities. They are equal to you as a human regardless of the ‘role’ they are or the role you are in.
In the work I do as a systemic coach there are some guiding principles on size and who comes first in the system. Worth checking your size and your (blind) loyalties in advance.
What assumptions are present? Are you blinded by your own BS (belief systems) that are just not true. Ask an independent and calm 3rd party.
Seek to understand and ensure there is active listening. You don't always have to think about what to say next. When you get distracted or feel the need to reply immediately remember you can pause and take a breath at any point. Also you can ask for a break when things get intense. If you are prone to getting irate and irrational definitely work to your breath and permission to step away for a moment.
Ensure you own your statements ' I am'. For example, "I feel..." instead of ‘You always..’
Have you gotten attached to one possible outcome or solution? Consider wild cards and consider not knowing what will happen next.
Ask an ally, mentor or coach for support to prepare in advance. You may have other blind spots and could do with an objective view on the matter before stepping in.
Always follow up: after the conversation, follow up with any agreed-upon actions or resolutions. Check in to ensure progress and maintain a positive relationship.
Sometimes you will need time to reflect on what has happened. Take some notes if it will help you remember and perhaps to prepare for the next conversation. There may not be an obvious conclusion to this in the short term.
Photo by Cytonn Photography on Unsplash
Well done for being brave. Remember to look back on having the courage to have the conversation regardless of the outcome. This is a huge step.
In addition to my own suggestions, Simon Sinek’s (Start with Why) suggestions are worthy of note also:
Start with empathy: Begin the conversation by demonstrating empathy and understanding towards the other person's perspective. Showing empathy helps create a safe and supportive environment for dialogue.
Focus on the issue, not the person: Keep the conversation focused on the specific issue or behaviour at hand, rather than making it personal. Avoid blaming or criticising the individual and instead frame the discussion around finding solutions or understanding root causes.
Seek common ground: Look for areas of agreement or shared goals to build upon, even in the midst of disagreement. Finding common ground can help facilitate a more constructive conversation and identify potential solutions.
Be open to feedback: Be willing to receive feedback and acknowledge your own contributions to the situation. Demonstrating openness and vulnerability can encourage the other person to do the same.
Focus on solutions: Collaborate with the other person to identify potential solutions or next steps that address the underlying issues. Keep the conversation oriented towards problem-solving rather than dwelling on past grievances.
Follow up: After the conversation, follow up with the other person to ensure that any agreements or action steps are being implemented. Continuously communicate and monitor progress to maintain accountability and trust.
Moving to a healthier balance of exchange in our conversations can ensure healthier relationships. Disagreements and conflict are a very normal part of every day life. It is when we avoid them that we magnify the contents that could have been solved well in advance.
I have worked with many people down through the years who have faced their fears, clarified their intentions and have had these conversations very successfully. Most will tell me they wish they had done it sooner and it mostly brought meaningful resolutions over a period of time. And ultimately that is what is needed is time and space and courage. You are well resourced for all these things for you haven’t experienced this far in your life without possessing these ingredients.
Let me know what are your experiences of difficult conversations and how you have approached them. Of course their are tonnes of lessons in the ones that have not gone the way we expect too. An excuse to write another post for another day.
I’ll be in the wings cheering you on for when the conversation takes place. Let me know how it goes x